The only constant in this world is death. As dark and sad as that may be it’s an inevitable fact that we will all at one point suffer the loss of those around us. I have experienced many losses in my life from elders to friends but recently I experienced the loss of an animal. I expected this loss to be similar to the loss of humans but it was drastically different. When I have lost loved ones in the past my mind tried to justify that it was based on their age, their lifestyle choices etc. in order for me to cope with the grief. Another coping mechanism I previously used was the idea of duality and knowing that each person has both negatives and positives; that their actions both good and bad have contributed to the result of their life and fate. The absence of duality and the absence of being able to justify this animal’s fate based on their actions was what made it so incredibly hard.
Max was a strong, caring dog with a LOT of personality. I was blessed to have had him in my life for eight wonderful years. His presence brought my family and I joy we didn’t know we could experience. Being in quarantine has been a blessing in many many ways but the biggest blessing was having the opportunity to be at home with him for the last few months of his life. Max was sadly diagnosed with adenocarcinoma in April 2020 and the months since then were filled with him as our primary focus. We tried so many things to help him heal and ease his pain. I truly cherished every single moment with him.
Sadly, on November 19, 2020 his condition changed drastically in a matter of hours. It was the first time I experienced a death right in front of me and the details are still too raw to share. This experience caused a lot of trauma and created emotions of anger and guilt. It was very hard for me to justify that something so pure was subject to a disease that caused so much suffering. I felt angry and guilty that I couldn’t save him. The imagery of his last moments became engraved in my head. I normally try to compartmentalize my emotions in order to continue my fast paced life. However, this time compartmentalizing and trying to be normal wasn’t an option. I quickly learned that my previous coping mechanisms for human loss were no longer applicable and that I needed external help.
I learned through my therapist that grief is not linear. This was something that I didn’t really realize with my past human losses. We are always told that time heals and that has been something my mind incorrectly learned. It is ok for us to be sad today, next week or in a year. We need to observe our emotions, let them be and allow ourselves to feel. Another great thing that I learned was how to shift my sad emotions to reflecting on memories and celebrating his life. I now let myself focus on the positive aspects of the memories I have versus thinking about the way that he left this world.
Another challenge I faced while grieving Max was the common misconception that pets are just pets. Pets are family members, just because they aren’t human doesn’t mean they don’t communicate with us, love us and share a special bond with us. This is still a concept not truly grasped by those who have never had a pet. The feeling of being judged, or having people not truly understand my emotions was very difficult. The amount of times I was asked “Are you going to get another dog?” was wild. This question was so bizarre to me, you wouldn’t just replace a family member if you lost them so why were people not understanding this concept. These interactions really taught me that I had to take responsibility for my grief to not allow these questions and comments to affect my mood or mental wellbeing.
An important thing that was discussed with my therapist was that both animals and humans deserve some type of memorial service. I am so grateful that my religion commemorates all souls, animal or human. It was my pleasure to honor Max’s life the way that we did as he was such a wonderful presence in our lives.
This whole experience was very monumental for me. I created such a high functioning routine in quarantine where I was using my time as wisely as possible. The impact of this grief shifted that routine completely to where I didn’t even want to do the things that would normally bring a sense of happiness and productivity into my life. My therapist also taught me that my sense of productivity became linked to all aspects of my routine so even when I tried to do a few things I didn’t feel satisfied because the satisfaction came from everything within the routine. I had to shift what I deemed as constants in my routine to an as needed basis to allow myself to gradually return to normal. This was a hard adjustment mentally but allowed me to feel accomplished each day. I am still in the stages of acute grief but am learning more about myself and how to process my emotions everyday.
I wanted to write this post to empower those who have lost animals and have had similar experiences. Animals are so pure, loving and deserve so much. I am truly grateful for being blessed with this special type of love. Max was such a special being and his memories will last a lifetime. He will be remembered forever and loved always.
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